One of these things is not like the others...
So this problem has been plaguing me for about 15 years of my life now...ever since I realized I wasn't in I moved from Vietnam to stay with my mum in Japan when I was about 6. Before, I never thought of Nationality or anything like that til some of my schoolmates asked me what kind of a name is Tue and why I write it in katakana (the foreign word writing system). At that time, I just shrugged, said I wasn't born in Japan and we all went back to trading pokemon. Only if those salad days could return (pokemon too of course).
Now the problem is muuuch more complicated. Ok, to tell it straight, I was born in Hue, Vietnam, had my most formative years in Obaku, Japan before moving to Los Alamos, New Mexico and then finally settling down in St. Charles Illinios. What a frickin mouthful! So when some person asks me where I'm from, I either give him a lecture or just half-heartedly say "Vietnam" and believe me, both alternatives suck. I once read a Macalester brochure where some gal enthusiastically said "the people here are so international that they sometimes can't answer where they are from!" and I thought to my self "ha, suckers that have no sense of identity." I should have punched myself that day.
When I was in Japan (so when I was really little), when people would ask me where I was from, I would answer Vietnam and they, being as little as I am, would say something completely non-sequitur or just be like, cool, and then we'd resume tormenting our sitters. After I moved to Los Alamos, when asked the same question, I'd just say I'm from Japan and then we would get back to playing the Violin. Finally though when faced with the same question in St. Charles (so in middle school) and in Macalester and beyond, I can no longer just non-chalantly shake it off like bad dandruff. After thinking about it, as well as asking my mom and grandma, I reasoned that because I was born in Vietnam to both Vietnamese parents, and still have a large family in Vietnam, I am therefore Vietnamese. So that was my answer for quite a while...until that is, I was ACTUALLY back in Vietnam, doh!
This summer, I worked for 3 months in Lemna International Vietnam as an assistant composting manager. Although my work mainly involved learning from and helping my Chinese boss, I also had to interact a lot with the Vietnamese workers at the factory. At this point, my Vietnamese is very conversational but I would in no way consider it fluent by any means. Because of this, I was always nervous whenever I had to communicate to the workers and they never really struck it off with me (although the fact that they were taking orders from a kid probably also played a role.) Furthermore, when my co-workers asked me where I was from and I hesitatingly answered Vietnam, they would look skeptical and flatly say no way, you cannot be Vietnamese. The reason, they said, was that I neither looked Vietnamese nor communicated like a Vietnamese. I'm too big, too white, too tall, and my Vietnamese structure is that of a kid. Yup. The shaky foundation that I was standing on shattered like my belief that I was Vietnamese. Just because I was born in Vietnam to Vietnamese parents and still have a lot of family in Vietnam doesn't make me Vietnamese, kinda like how splenda is made from sugar but isn't sugar. And I hate splenda.
So why am I not American? Because I simply don't identify THAT much with America. This is a super strange thought considering America is where I am most comfortable (most likely due to my knowledge of the language as well as the 10 years of my life that I spent in America.) Yet there isn't much I identify with about America. I am not a fan of needing cars to go everywhere, I don't watch TV shows except news and the education channels, most of the books I read are sci-fi, fantasy or manga all of which by default have little to do with America, I listen mostly to movie, game soundtracks, Jpop or oldies and I detest bread. etc.etc. It's not that I don't like America, because I believe that it is a great country with a fair yet frustrating political and control system, it's simply that I don't identify with what America and American is. In other words, I am physically IN America but I do not enjoy too much of American culture; my mind is elsewhere in lalaland. And that place doesn't exist!
I do consume more Japanese culture than I do American or Vietnamese but the reason why I am NOT Japanese should be obvious - curse the young me for liking anime, manga, sushi, kimonos, sakuras, ramens, kabuki and gaming too much. A part of me sincerely, sincerely wishes that I never moved from Japan but I just want to shut that part up and move on cause it's about 11 years too late.
So that brings me back all the way to the problem of where I am from. Why am I not Vietnamese-American or Japanese-Vietnamese or some combination of Vie-Pan-Merica? I was raised in all three, yes, but I don't really identify THAT strongly with ANY (or it doesn't identify with me) and viepanmerica doesn't exist and sounds like something a stupid college age kid with too much time on his hands going through early-mid life crisis would invent. OH SHIIIII!!
Does this problem really have an answer? I try try and try to find where I am from and when I think I've found an answer, I cling to it so desperately like an obsessive boy friend that the answer I've found does everything it can to get away. There are 2 apparent solutions: i can cling even HARDER to my re-bound and be even more disappointed when it finally runs away or I could just stop caring and answer um........something.....I don't know what though.
Ah! I've got it, for now I suppose I'll just answer "I don't really know" and leave it at that. If people are curious, I'll explain but if not, meh!
....but that isn't really a solution is it?
If you've took the time to read all of this then I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart and hope that if we aren't already, we will be good friends soon!
TQT
No comments:
Post a Comment